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| Not walking dogs |
| Written by David Savery |
| Wednesday, 24 August 2011 18:24 |
|
Recently, while driving to work, I’ve been noticing the people out walking their dogs and it makes me wonder why anyone would become a dog owner. I fuckin’ hate dogs. All dogs. They’re noisy, smelly, dirty bastards and I’ll never understand why anyone would want one in their home, slobbering over the sofa, chewing up the remote controls and trying to fuck the cheese plant in the corner of the living room whenever the vicar visits. Worse is when I visit a dog owner and their cretinous creature bounds up and starts clawing at my groin. “Oh, don’t mind him, he’s harmless” they always say. Uh-huh. How would you like to come around my house and have me empty the contents of my fuckin’ aquarium over your lap? No? Then fuck you and get your shit-thick pet away from my balls. Anyone I know who has a dog has moaned to me at some stage or another for not being able to go somewhere because they can’t take the horrible animal with them. Want a long weekend or foreign holiday? Forget it unless you find a dog-sitter or drag the dumb fucker with you. Speak to a dog owner and they’ll tell you that they enjoy taking the filthy beasts out for walks but I know that can’t be true at 7AM when they awake with a hangover and the freezing winter rain is battering their windows. They also try to bullshit you that when out walking the disgusting creatures they get to meet interesting people, i.e. other dog walkers. Interesting my arse, once they get past swapping dog names, talking about dog breeds and how shitty the weather is for being out walking the fuckin’ dog, they have to break off to go and pick up the stinking brown egg their respective scummy animals have each deposited by the broken cider bottles on the nearby children’s playground. So who the fuck wants to make small talk with a stranger while you’re both holding a plastic bag full of dog shit in your hand?? Have some fuckin’ dignity for Christ’s sake. I once met a psychologist who hated dogs so much he said he’d happily take a volunteer job of shooting them on sight on the street if such a requirement ever arose. I don’t know what another psychologist would say about that but if I spotted him walking down my road armed with an AK-47 and shouting into his mobile phone “Yes Mr Prime Minister, I know the country needs to be rid of them and I’m going to shoot them all in the face...”, well, I wouldn’t stand in his way. I’d stay in bed happily nursing my hangover while not worrying about having to get up and walk the fuckin’ dog. |